Permission to Begin.

"I do not promise to believe tomorrow exactly what I believe today, and I do not believe today exactly what I believed yesterday. I expect to make, as I have made, some honest progress within every succeeding twenty-four hours." Andrew Jackson Davis

It was May, 2016, and I had just begun the writing prompt “What is your greatest fear?” Spiders. Dying. Planes. Drowning. Fires. Nope. My answer: “If I weren’t my roles and responsibilities, who would I be? Would anyone want or need me? My biggest fear is I am no one—nothing.” I have been the other woman, the not-good-enough-because-you’re-divorced woman, the you-make-me-look-good woman, the boss, the fixer, the planner, the do-er, the wife, the mother, the daughter, and every one of these left me feeling exhausted and used and a little further from myself.
I am ready to begin again.

Why this, why now?

I thought motherhood, home, family, marriage, accounting career was the answer to everything I had been searching for, the complete solution to every insecurity and instability I felt, until I realized that those too are all masks, roles, responsibilities—treasured ones for sure—but they still weren’t releasing everything I felt bottled up inside. Ultimately it took their complete shattering for me to slowly begin to find myself in the charred rubble left behind by the life I’d set fire to.
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Even my name has become an internal struggle. A lot of times I choose to go by Sarah Elizabeth, as neither my married name or maiden name seems to fit the woman who is searching to find who she is outside of what the world has told her she is supposed to be—or worse, the woman everyone thinks they know.

Through every single slow step forward, I have found that the greatest side of me, the part I want to leave behind, to be remembered by, to be loved for, has so little to do with the roles I have played for others and is instead all about the lessons I have learned: the way my perspective of the world was forced to grow with each stumbling block, the way I kept standing back up stronger but softer too, the way I try to look for love in every person I meet, in every challenge I face, in every corner of this big, scary world.

I Can’t Be the Only One…

Saint Sarah is sometimes referred to as “Queen of the Outsiders” and I feel that. When I first read this nickname for her, I began to wonder if she was my true namesake and not the family relative I had always been told about. When my picture perfect life collapsed I stepped back and watched the world happening around me with a completely new perspective. A recognition that the collapse was an ultimate gift as in my core, I didn’t belong in the places and circles I was giving all of my time and energy to.

It has been a lonely journey at times. Yet I have also found gratitude in my solitude of the last several years as I have excavated myself to determine who I really am. What lights me up because it certainly isn’t the hustle-bustle of suburban mommy and wifehood.

I hope through my raw and vulnerable writings, I find others out there who like me, are searching for “more” even if we don’t quite know what that “more” is just yet.

My Promise

My promise is to write from the heart. About the normal, every day moments from an extraordinary perspective. Or maybe not extraordinary maybe just gut wrenchingly honest and with a hint of a sliver lining. I will include thoughts for you to ponder or journal entry topics for you to navigate, but mostly just reason to pause and center yourself so that we can all keep growing and expanding through the rawness of our human experience.

“The ghosts of all of the woman you used to be are so proud of who you have become.” Nikita Gill

Join me on a journey to go deep.

Journey With Me