分类: Healing

I Need Your Grace: An Offer of Vulnerability

7/24/2024

“Eight-year-old Sarah would be proud of the woman you have become.”

A text, from an angel here on earth, whose words I will treasure always, flashed on my phone nearly a year ago.

The truth is I am not completely sure she would be. I have made a lot of mistakes. Felt a lot of pain, caused a lot of pain, lost friends and family members, lost myself even.

The road to who I am now has been riddled with struggles and hurts and also incredible moments of grace, love and compassion.

Sometimes that humility and forgiveness came on my knees, on the bathroom floor, in the middle of a hard battle with the demons that tormented me from the inside out.

I was driving this morning to get a new battery for my ride-on lawnmower - a new project I was able to successfully tackle and complete by myself - when one of my favorite songs, Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol came on.

“I need your grace to remind me to find my own.”

In high school I had quotes plastered all over my bedroom walls. Some written in crayon, some typed on our StarWriter word processor, some cut from magazines.

Lyrics, provoking thoughts founds in books, magazines, advertisements have always hit me like a pause button.

Where the rest of the world freezes and I am in this state where the words cycle around and around in my head until they find the resonance they meant and land neatly in my heart.

Truth be told - don’t ask me about names of songs or lyrics or book titles or authors - I forget those details. Completely swept away in the sentiment and emotion I imagine that was required to come up with those words.

And overcome with gratitude that those words, often when I needed them most, found their way to me.

“I need your grace to remind me to find my own.”

As I tiptoe into this world of slowly removing so many masks of what and who people THINK I am, those words stuck with me as a reminder of why I feel so called to share.

Surface level has never worked well for me. I suck at small talk. I suck at casual. I suck at just going through the motions of life.

I can play the part - yes - but inside of me it feels like I’m dying in casual settings of chit-chat and frivalty.

Daring to step out of my shell, of the image and expectations most people have of me, showing my vulnerability, flaws, strength and grace is both freeing to myself yet also a call to others to tell them its okay to do the same.

We don’t always have to walk around with our armor on no matter how hard this world can be.

There are those of us out there who want the soft insides of your heart and soul and to learn what lights you up (and what breaks you down) not to feel like we have something to hold over you, but rather another layer of your most authentic self to love.

I share my words and inspirations and heartache and hope to give permission for you to do the same.
At this stage of the game, I want only those who are brave enough to lay down their swords and let their truest selves shine through - whatever that looks like.

I think that is what we are all craving most in this world not just connection but to be seen, to be unconditionally accepted.

To be authentically loved.

So, I will keep peeling off the costumes and layers I have acquired over the years to show you the heart of who I am, and I welcome, I invite, I hold space for you to do the same.

For you to find your grace and to believe that your heart will still be held safe when you do.

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Sidestepping In Secret: When Leaving Your Path Becomes a Solo Mission

6/26/2024

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There are moments in life when we find ourselves staring down a fork in the middle of the proverbial road.

A decision that requires us to choose between continuing down the path we have been on, the one we have always known, the one that feels safe and secure, the one everyone imagines us in…

OR

The choice to sidestep from the life we have known thus far and dare to embrace the vast unknown of a new way of showing up in the world.

For some of us, this decision is made in secret. In the quietness not only of our own homes, but rather in our own hearts. From the deepest caverns of our soul.

It is more like a quiet voice calling us rather than a decision we make with our mind.

With this calling comes the sinking feeling of complete knowing that there are many we will end up leaving behind.

There will be others with whom we choose to share our new journey only when we have become solid and stable in the conscious choice of our own direction - not the direction they had wished for us.

It requires an internal fortitude to find, within yourself, the trust in the path that appears overgrown with foreign surroundings and maybe only a glimmer of light somewhere far off in the distance.
As opposed to the neatly paved, groomed and well-lit path you had faithfully been following others along.

For months, I have slowly been stepping further and further in the direction of a world that doesn’t quite make sense, I don’t know where I am going, but I FEEL inspired and drawn to every single slow shuffle of a step.

No one knows. No one in my circle knows.

I am sidestepping out of the accounting, finance, business, political world and finding faith in the words that are strung together by the most convincing voice that echoes from the center of my heart.
I am sidestepping out of the world of controlled appearances, controlled expectations and outside image over deep vulnerability and authenticity.

I had to keep it a secret because I know all too well the disapproving eyes when you dare to move in a way that contradicts the way life was “supposed to be.”

I have caved to it in the past. A thousand times over I have caved to the expectations, needs, fears, and disapproval that has come from others around me - even those closest to me.

I needed to become a hermit in the middle of my own life sidestepping slowly, slowly, in a new direction. Gaining confidence, certitude, understanding and finding worthiness within myself first.

With each new step of emergence back into the light, slowly sharing my secret new path as I grow stronger and stronger in a new direction, I find the love, connection and acceptance on the deepest level - the humanness in our vulnerability I have longed for and searched for - never believing I was worthy of finding.

So, thank you for being here with me. Thank you for your strength and encouragement.

I hope through my words, if you too have been struggling to sidestep, you find the strength to do so - even if in secrecy at first - and know I will be here to cheer you on as well.

Journey With Me

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Play In The Dirt.

6/4/2024

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Every spring the dreaded moment comes when I see the dump truck back down my driveway to deliver the three (which always feels like six) acres of mulch.

“Why don’t I just pay someone to do this?” I think to myself every.single.year.

After a day or two of pouting over the amount of work it is to spread the mulch around all of the flower beds - by myself - or with my children helping which is still basically by myself…

I finally start the dreaded task.

I never wear gardening gloves and occasionally don’t even bother with shoes. In a life that is often controlled and planned and put together this task inevitably takes over as cathartic release of all of the normal adulting and I find the space to breathe that I need.

My hands get dirty. My back hurts. My body is sweaty.

But whether the sun is shining bright or there is a cleansing light rain when I decide to tackle this annual project, somewhere in the middle of it I realize I am simply playing in the dirt.
Adult style.

The earthy smell fills my nose as I kneel there on the ground smoothing out the large piles with my naked hands.

I am playing in the dirt while tending to my home, while making my home beautiful and alive again after a long winter.

The truth is I don’t like gardening that much - and I am not very good at it which is surprising given my Mother has a green-thumb that deserves to be in a Home and Garden magazine.
I NEED gardening.

Somehow life never seems to go as planned. While I am slowly (while kicking and screaming) learning to embrace the guaranteed derailment of every plan I make, I need to have an external validation in my ability to make something beautiful.

I garden to remind myself that everything grows and blooms in its own time.

I garden to remind myself that sometimes the soil needs to be changed, or the peony needs an extra year before its ready to bloom, or sometimes the animals are going to eat the vegetables and you just have to start again.

I garden to remind myself that just because I am in an adult body, my heart and soul is still young. I need dirt. I need fresh air. I need exploration. I need silence (save the birds) to let my mind run wild with dreams and fantasy.

So, this year, as I begin my annual mulch adventure, I am taking a little extra time with gratitude in my heart for the ability to play in the dirt - adult style.

May spring also bring you a sense of aliveness, youth and wonder in the middle of your grown-up chores.

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I Need Your Grace: An Offer of Vulnerability

Sidestepping In Secret: When Leaving Your Path Becomes a Solo Mission

Play In The Dirt.

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my musings on life, love, and everything in between

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I Need Your Grace: An Offer of Vulnerability

Sidestepping In Secret: When Leaving Your Path Becomes a Solo Mission

Play In The Dirt.

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Archives

Categories

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friday reflections

friday reflections
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